The Sinister Side of Loving

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, Have Mercy on Us.

Love ought to be altruistic.  Love ought to give without taking.  Love ought not seek to possess.  And yet, human loving, as in all things, is fallen and corrupted - it needs to be redeemed.  This is true for me, at least.

I return to this strand of speculation as I once again face the reality of  a new assignment.  Having gone through the misery of moving once, I can acknowledge that there is indeed life after death.  Easter follows Good Friday.  I can also acknowledge that I will acclimate, I will enjoy my work, and I will love my new people.  The lingering question - the one that causes my heart to ache - is this: Will my old people still love me?

The obvious answer is that yes, they will.  The love we share is real, it is true, and it is abiding.  What kills me, however, is the knowledge that they will also love someone else.  And I want them to love me and me alone.  In writing these words, my recognition of the selfishness that inspires them is even more poignant.

I find myself arguing with the Lord about this.  I have told him quite explicitly that he never had to leave his people, and that I am pretty put out that asks us to do it.  Again, pure selfishness and folly dominate these conversations.  And yet, one cannot really help feeling what one feels.  One can only choose to act as one ought in the face of one's emotions.

And so, once again, I find myself clinging to moments that are slipping all too quickly into the past.  I find myself worrying. I find myself weeping.  I find myself begging that God will give me courage and dignity.  I implore him to help me love without grasping.  In so doing,  I find myself falling, sometimes more and sometimes less reticently, in submission before His own Wounded Heart.

Drug addled musicians from the 70's always seem to have a way of expressing what I feel in song.